I've been married for sixteen years,I recently found out that my husband had an affair and has an eight-year old daughter.My heart is broken.He says that he loves me and want to be with me,that he's very sorry and he made a mistake.But he did so much behind my back.
He didn't tell me about the affair,the child,the paternity test or the fact that he is paying maintenance and put the child on our medical aid.We have two children and a few years back I wanted another one,but he just said no.
I feel so angry,alone and betrayed.I want to lash out at him,but I still love him.I am so confused.
I am so sorry to hear about your pain.This must have been very difficult news to hear and to carry with you.My first instinct is that your husband made a mistake with consequences that he managed in the best way he knew how.He acted with integrity to be a good father to a child innocent of his wrong doing,but he felt he had to sacrifice the integrity of your relationship to do so.
It sounds as if a consequence worse than unwanted pregnancy was the possibility of losing you and the life you've built together.When faced with such a great fear as this,I imagine most people would lie-lie to protect themselves,the well being of the innocent and their loved ones.In short,I believe that you can probably trust that your husband's motives were quite honourable under the circumstances and that he loves you.
However,trust has been broken and your feelings of anger,betrayal and sadness will need to be respected and given time to heaLYou don't need to make any decisions now,while the pain is still fresh.I suggest you stay some time apart(can he move out for a little while?)and enlist the help of a counsellor to work through these feelings.If you feel up to it,you could even both go see a marriage counsellor.Put your feelings first
Dorothy Black is a
sex journalist
and educator.
thedotspot.net
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