by Leslie Vernick
Last month I wrote an article about superficial apologies, when “I’m sorry” is not the end of rebuilding a shattered marriage but only the beginning of genuine change. But what does that change look like in real life?
Jesus told his own disciples that their spirits were willing, but their flesh was weak. No one changes overnight or never messes up again. Lasting change comes hard for all of us, but as Biblical counselors, our task is private lessons in applied theology. Below are five biblical steps we can help someone take to show that their “sorry” is more than mere words.
1. Clarity: We can’t help someone change something that he or she cannot or will not see. Jesus calls this condition in its extreme form blindness, and when we are blind to our own sin, we can’t repent. When someone can’t admit wrong, take personal responsibility, or see what their part of the problem is, start there. It’s always easier to blame others or make excuses than to see clearly our own part of the problem. Jesus tells us when our eye is healthy, our whole body is full of light. But he also goes on to warn those who think that they see clearly but really don’t. He tells them that they are in grave danger (
Matthew 6:22,23).
The Scriptures warn us that we are all self-deceived and that we cannot know our own selves apart from God’s Word, the Holy Spirit, and trusted others who help us see ourselves more honestly (
Jeremiah 17:9;
Romans 1:25;
Hebrews 3:13). If someone’s sorrow is genuine, he stops lying to himself that it’s everyone else’s fault that he behaves the way he does. He stops telling himself that what he does isn’t that bad or that he can’t change.
Change only begins when a person sees clearly he needs to change and that means taking responsibility for himself and his own destructive behaviors–no more blaming, no more excuses, even if provoked.
2. Commitment: There are things that people see quite clearly yet they are not committed to changing them. They may see the growing numbers on the scale or the rising credit charge cards, yet it feels too hard or they’re not yet willing to give up the temporary good feelings they receive from overeating or overspending.
As Biblical counselors, we see people who want to change but do not want to do the work involved to actually change. Like Naaman, who resisted Elisha’s treatment plan for his leprosy, a lot of the people we work with are looking for a quick fix. (See
2 Kings 5 for the story.)
It’s not enough for our counselee to see clearly his or her problem, or even want to change. For change to actually happen our counselee must make the commitment to do the work to change so that these same sins that have broken trust in his marriage don’t continue to repeat themselves.
For example, a verbally abusive man may need to learn how to handle his frustrations, disappointments, and negative feelings when his wife upsets him or doesn’t do what he wants her to do. In the past he’s blamed her, insisting that if only she changed and didn’t upset him, he wouldn’t have acted that way.
Now he realizes that there is no perfect wife, and it’s unrealistic and unreasonable for him to demand that his wife never upset him. But in addition to his new clarity, he must be committed to learning how to manage his own negative emotions when it actually happens and he feels furious.
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